Daily Necessities of Life – and Coffee Helps Too
That very well could be my cart any time I run to the grocery store for “just a couple things.” I am so that woman: The one who walks in with a list of five or less items and always grabs the small cart to keep myself in check but always ends of purchasing at least thirty-five items plus three gallons of milk anyway. The one who does the balancing/juggling thing trying to keep things from falling out of her cart while trying to appear like everything is totally cool and she’s got a firm hold of everything.
There are a lot of us. We look like clumsy fools who are trying to kid ourselves that we can stick to our list.
It’s not that I am a shop-o-holic, you see. I have three kids. They eat a lot, so I buy a lot. A shit-ton to be exact.
Yeah, yeah. I am well aware that there are many families with four, five, six or seven kids. Hell, some families just keep pumping them out in hopes of a reality show. They’re idiots. That’s not my point.
My point is, once you get to a certain number of kids, you’ll never – EVER – be able to get just a “couple things” at the store.
Yes, you can walk in determined with a list, but then you see that:
This is on sale OR –
This kid has been asking for that for a few weeks OR –
Another kid needs to take a snack in to class OR –
The oldest needs to make a class donation for homeroom OR –
They all have another effing class (fake) holiday party – you know, like Valentine’s Day.
WTF! IT NEVER ENDS!
And don’t even get me started on buying stuff for their lunches. My kids are “those” kids. The ones that will never – NEVER EVER – throw their Mom a bone and buy a school lunch just once in a very long while. And they all have selective, discriminating tastes.
So, my grocery cart runneth over with three kinds of bread, a lactose free version of everything (ok, that’s not really her fault – she was born that way), veggies for one, fruits for another and Lunchables for the third (how is a Lunchable better than school food anyway?). One loves Twinkies (she’s a super skinny dancer, so who cares?) but only the original kind. Do NOT try to sneak in the bargain generic kind or the banana filled kind – she will die. The baby hates Twinkies and both of them hate bagels, but the oldest loves them.
This is why I always have wine in my grocery cart. More wine than everyone else in the entire damn store combined at any given time, I imagine.
I have a chart to keep it all straight in case I die suddenly and my husband has to take over- God help them.
Sometimes I screw up and mix up their lunches or give three drinks to one kid and the other two DIE OF THIRST – never mind that they do have a lunch account and very well can buy themselves a milk (the middle schooler can buy a wide variety of beverages, by the frickin’ way).
Yes, they could make their own lunches. The oldest would probably pack herself a well-balanced lunch. The skinny – I can eat anything – kid would probably pack herself ramen and Twinkies every day and then not eat it because she’s never hungry. I swear the only reason I pack her a lunch is I am afraid someone would turn me in to the state if I didn’t. The little one would go with PB&J on graham crackers with chocolate Teddy Grams and M&Ms. And can you imagine the mess they’d leave in the kitchen? I’d rather clean the toilets at a biker bar.
It’s exhausting, so sometimes I ask so, so nicely and sweetly for them to buy their lunch the next day.
“YOU’RE TRYING TO KILL US,” they shriek in unison.
“But I’m so tired,” I plead.
“IT’S SO DISGUSTING THAT IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL,” they chant.
“C’mon guys. Take one for the team.”
“YOU DON’T LOVE US ANYMORE!!!”
I believe it would be less painful to get them to eat White Castle than a school lunch. You should have seen the time I tried to get the girls to eat that – the HORROR! Their brother was an infant, so he was spared the cruelty. The reaction of the girls to their very first bite was worthy of an Academy Award. Watch out Reese and Jennifer and all you all – here comes the Smith Sisters!
But that’s a whole ‘nother blog post.