Daily Necessities of Life – and Coffee Helps Too
If there is one thing you can always count on with social media, and in particular FaceBook, it’s those stupid trends in posting that leave you wondering if your friends have turned in to Repost Zombies (insert evil laughter and Zombie groans).
We’ve all seen them. And
some most all of us have partaken (real word – YES it is) in them even if we rethink that we can post it at 3am when we can’t sleep hoping that not too many people actually see it.
Let’s explore, shall we? In no particular order of annoyance:
Most notably, the personality quizzes, aka “Which __________ are you?” Who on your list of friends has posted 15 too many of these? You know how I get around annoying people with my post but still get the answer to the nagging question, “Which __________ am I?” I take the quiz and then just leave my result in the comments of the original poster’s post.
In the event anyone even cares, I am a pink Snow White tulip Laverne 1940s disco Egyptian doctor with five kids, a dog and a soda shop who is 75% bitchy and lives in a rustic log cabin in New York City. And I need to go die my hair red. I also should be dating Bradley Cooper. Could someone please give him my number? He loves me. One day he will love me. HE WILL!
I’ve actually noticed this Quiz thing twice during my six-year tenure on Facebook. The most recent occurrence of this trend has been going on for about a year now, so let’s do something about it. Let’s all swear that we will not take any more quizzes or acknowledge any friend who takes said quizzes for the next 30 days – unless it’s about wine. We should always take the wine quizzes because wine is fine. Vino is keen-o. Dude, they’re just fun. Because they’re about wine. Bradley Cooper likes them.
Ok, I admit it. I got so caught up in this one that I actually felt like a failure if I forgot one. I would start by posting it on Instagram and then linking that right to my FaceBook account. Because everyone wants to see it twice on two different formats. Yes, you do! Shut up and look at my kids in Halloween costumes from who-the-flip-cares-how-many years ago. The only people who really want to see that are the Grandparents and Godparents, and even they would prefer to only see it once. At least that’s what all their PMs tell me.
“I just got out of a ticket using my boobs.”
“Anyone got any tampons? I’m desperate.”
“Out of toilet paper. Goodbye socks.”
“How do you get rid of foot fungus?”
You remember these, right? There were similar instances where women would post just the color of their bras in their status or something else ambiguous to get people to ask about the status (or offer a fungus remedy). Then whoever got suckered in to commenting had to join the game or risk going to Social Media Hell or something else stupid like that. Let’s face it, these statuses were nothing more than passive-aggressive attempts at grandstanding, and we were all afraid to not repost lest we would not show our support for the George Costanza Human Fund thus proving our worthless and dead hearts only beat for the soul purpose of our own selfish agenda. Or something like that. That was you, wasn’t it? I’ll bet you don’t celebrate Festivus either. Selfish bastard.
These bugged the crap out of me until people started getting really snarky with them. That’s when they got funny.
I knew I had gone too far when I scheduled a trip to a water park around my strawberry crops and the availability of the hotel’s wifi.
It started with the likes of Mafia Wars and Farmville. You’d literally feel like a failure if you ran out of “stamina, energy or health” playing Mafia Wars – remember that shit? I do. I sucked molten hot lava rocks at that game. So I switched to Farmville where I planted crops like a bitchin’ boss, baby! I knew I had gone too far when I scheduled a trip to a water park around my strawberry crops and the availability of the hotel’s wifi.
Now it’s the likes of CandyCrush and all the spin offs from the “King” team. I don’t apologize for that one. In fact, I’m taking this opportunity to offer a yummy pan of brownies to whoever can get me the hell off of Level 149. I’m going to fucking die there, I’m sure. Someone please save me! At least I don’t post about it every time I complete a level or something! I got that going for me.
“I nursed your mother back from her crack addiction.”
They all start with something like, “Let’s see who is REALLY reading my posts,” or some other shit like that. The end game is usually to see who really reads the entirely too long and drawn out post to the end and follows the instructions. Typically, they want you to tell them how you met them or to use the first letter of your elementary school teacher’s dog’s name to come up with another word to describe them (the poster, not the teacher or the dog, of course).
Just once I’d like someone to post something really effed up about how they met. Something like, “You were naked in the quad and I brought you pants.” Another funny one would be, “I nursed your mother back from her crack addiction.” Yep, that’s how I’m answering those whiny questions from now on. Wait! How about, “I was your first wife you broke-dick ass-wipe!”
Aren’t they cute? And fun? And special? Who doesn’t want to know his or her cupid name on Valentine’s Day or Superhero Pimp name any other time of the year? Here’s my favorite:
What trends annoy the shit out of you? Let me know what I forgot in the poll
or and comments, please. Maybe we’ll do a Part Deux of this post.
Mother of Pearl and all things Good and Holy!
How could I have forgotten #HASHTAGS?
#Awesome #WineBoss #Hashtag
Who the hell made these things up? Remember when # meant pounds or denoted a number? Really, who chose it as symbol for finding random dumbass posts about something online? Did that person make any money off this? I hope so. Because what else would be the motivation?
Honestly, I try to use these. I think I am getting the hang of it. My 12-year-old once told me I was “too old,” to use hashtags. That was like a punch to the gut. I got her back by bombarding her Instagram with hashtags for a week. My favorites were:
She finally started to answer with, #MomStop. Touché! Or, should I say, #touché
My favorite #hashtag ever is #WineBoss. I got this one after my six-year-old son told his class that his Mom is a “Wine Boss.” #Awesome. My friend was subbing in his classroom that day. But that’s a whole ‘nother blog post.