Dance, Sing and Drink Wine

Daily Necessities of Life – and Coffee Helps Too

Moms vs. Zombies

What would you do in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse? We’re talking full-blown The Walking Dead shit here? How would you fare? How long do you supposed you’d survive?

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No worries, world! We have the Moms to protect us!

 

Ridiculously Required Statement – This post contains links to retailers who pay me money when you shop with them. This helps ensure that I can keep blogging for profit instead of dancing on a pole at a fine establishment near the airport. Happy now, FTC? 

 

I always say that if the Zombies took over, I’d just give in, join them, and become their leader. I figure as long as I’m wearing a tiara when I die, their stupid dead brains will recognize the sparkly thing as a symbol of power. You know, something that says, “Bitch, I’m in charge of this shit!” And they’d follow me. And fetch me things. Like dead rats and rotten heads of Cabbage Patch Kids.

Yes, I always look this good while binge watching The Walking Dead on Netflix. Don't you?

Yes, I always look this good while binge watching The Walking Dead on Netflix. Don’t you?

But, I’ve watched every episode of The Walking Dead through Season 5 (mostly with my hands blocking most of the screen from my eyes), and the thought of being eaten alive like that would be too much for me. I have to admit that I’d stay human (with a tiara and maybe a scepter for good measure) for as long as possible. Come to think of it, the scepter would be a good weapon for stabbing those SOBs in the head. I’m on to something!

Have you seen any of those quizzes on social media that tell you how you’d do in the event the Undead took a stand? I have. Yes, I’m aware I once wrote a post railing against them. But I actually was railing against posting the results of 50 quizzes a night and NOT just taking the quizzes and abstaining from posting the results.

Take a bit of this apple, bitch!

Take a bite of this apple, bitch!

Anyway, I’ve taken a couple with varying results. The one I Iiked the best said I survived long enough to make it from Michigan to Disney World (at least I was smart enough to go where I don’t need a furnace in the winter). The awesome part is that I apparently met my untimely demise in The Happiest Place on Earth. I do hope it was Zombie Snow White who took me out. It better not have been that useless Prince Ferdinan of hers. The only thing he’s good for is waking people up. And it really better not have been any of the characters from any of the dumbass shows like Jesse or Dog With a Blog. Unless it was the actual Dog With a Blog. That would almost be poetic justice. But not really. Snow White.

What the World Needs is Moms! Just Moms!

Honestly, I think the Moms of the world would be our proven leaders in the Zombie Apocalypse. Yes, Rick and Glen and Daryl are all nice to look at, and I will admit that they are physically strong, but I still think the Moms would take over. Let’s face it, men mostly make money. Women are really in charge. Especially the Moms, and that’s why we’d run the Apocalypse for the good guys (the people who aren’t Zombies yet).

A few other quizzes (and you know they’re all based on scientific fact) indicate that I will live a long time because I will become a leader (thank you, tiara) and I will be safe behind my masses of minions. However I would end up, I have a lot of confidence that all the training I have received as a Mom with Many Hats would help me in the apocalyptic world of the mofo undead.

Dance Moms – Weapons and Camo

Dance Moms would also be uniquely qualified to protect their children because they are masters of makeup. They could make the kids appear to be zombies so the brain-deads would walk right past. Brilliant!

Dance Moms would also be uniquely qualified to protect their children because they are masters of makeup. They could make the kids appear to be zombies so the brain-deads would walk right past. Brilliant!

Dance Moms would fare pretty well because tap shoes would make kick ass weapons. One swift blow to the head with a tap should take any Zombie down. A Mom could do that with the tap in her hands, or, if she used to dance herself, she could lace it up and high-kick some Dead Head ass!

Plus, have you ever looked in to a Dance Mom’s bag? They carry zip ties everywhere. Not only do they hold on head-pieces, these Moms could also use them to tie up people they don’t like to use as Zombie bait while they sashay out there. Don’t judge the Dance Moms–  it’s kill or be killed in that effed-up Zombie world. Time to put on your big girl booty shorts and do what you gotta do. Plus, their is likely some wine in that bag. That can be used to wash away the memories once she reaches safety.

 

 

Gymnastic Moms – Backup

If the Zombies ever created a shortage of Dance Moms, their cousins, the Gymnastics Moms, would quickly come help. The problem is, they would all have to put their differences aside, quit fighting over which sport is more legit and which sport needs the other more, and just work together. Yes, one sport has the Olympics, but the other has a show on Lifetime. Move on, bitches. Time to save the world.

Soccer Moms – Nourishment

Soccer Moms always have snacks up the ass. They would be the feeders. They’d make sure everyone had water was properly fed with a healthy snack before the Zombie battle.

They would also have a “fun” snack to celebrate the end of the battle
(no matter who wins or loses – because at the end of the Zombie Apocalypse, we’re all winners, right?). These snacks always come from ideas on Pinterest and require extra packaging and personalization.

Soccer Moms would be good fighters in a pinch. They’d have to bring in their counterparts from other countries like Egypt though, so that might be tough. They’d have to be very strategical about it. Instead, they might just turn to their bastard cousins, the Hockey Moms.

Hockey Moms – Warriors

crazyhockeyMomHockey Moms would be the real fighters though. These bitches can use the high sticks. They’d pull whatever article of clothing the Zombies are wearing up over the heads and go to town bashing in their brains.

Come to think of it, these commando nuts would probably body check the Zombies just to get them even more riled up for fun. While the Hockey Moms might be good in battle, I am not sure I’d want to live with one in my camp.

Football and Band Moms – Uniters and Diplomats

These two groups will be the diplomats.  Having worked alongside each other at football games in the concession and ticket stands but only ever exchanging polite niceties, these two groups of Moms will finally get their cliquey heads out of their asses and team up. Once they do this, they will realize that they have the power to unite all sorts of groups thus elevating them to a powerful existence as the peacekeepers among the living.

The only caveat would be if the shit really got real and they were called upon for battle. Odds are that the Football Moms would bully/haze the Band Moms in to going in to battle alone (much in the same way football players get band geeks to do their homework for them). The Band Moms would use their organizational skills to assign themselves battle roles according to the instruments of their respective children. 6c97ee8abefd7646ded4f208edb4ce44

Baseball Moms – Battle Drones

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Zombies would have never stood a chance against these bats!

They have bats and balls that hurt like a son of a bitch when you get with them. These Baseball Moms should have no problem knocking the zombie heads out of the park! Just line them up with bats and balls, and they could clear a field of Walkers in no time!

Tennis Moms – Guarding the Wall

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Yeah, when left out in the open, Tennis Moms are probably screwed.

Tennis players are pretty self-sufficient, so Tennis Moms have little to do other than drive them to the tennis matches and sit and clap politely and quietly. If faced with a Zombie, what would a Tennis Mom really be able to do other than run and hide?  She has no practical training from being a Tennis Mom.

The one skill Tennis Moms do have is visual acuity. They have sat for hours and kept focused on a tiny yellow ball as it flies and bounces back and forth, back and forth. Their keen eyes can be used on a wall for spotting approaching Zombies. They could further use their own tennis players to accurately beam the Zombies in the head with tennis balls. Now, those tennis balls probably wouldn’t knock any Zombie heads off, but it would slow them down enough while their Moms ran like hell to find the Hockey Moms.

Cheer Moms – Cheerleaders

OMG, can you imagine a group of Moms all fighting to survive in the Zombie Apocaplyse and having to do it with a perky, shiny Cheer Mom? Yes, she’d be of some help if it came to hand-to-dead flesh combat because of her ability to kick and her sharp arm movements, but what about the rest of the time? What are they going to do? Stand off to the side and cheer:

Beat. The Zombies. Beat. Beat. The Zombies! Whoooooo!

Maybe they could help the Football Moms and Band Moms.

 

Moms Save the World!

So, there you have it. We have no worries in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse as long as we have Moms!

 

 

 

15 comments on “Moms vs. Zombies

  1. Ha! Loved it! What a great way to share tips and stories for so many types of moms! A fun read, and I was taking notes! LOL!

  2. This post was hilarious from the start, even your FTC note had me rolling. I am certain I would not survive during an apocalypse, mom or not!

    • fox (@fox_emm)
      May 20, 2015

      Super entertaining read, especially given that you fall under so many of these categories yourself! Thanks for sharing on LYBS. 🙂

      • fox (@fox_emm)
        May 20, 2015

        Whoops, didn’t mean that to be a reply. Just a comment. Apparently I can’t read this morning.

  3. jkorolewski
    May 20, 2015

    Ahhh!!! Love this. I always thought I’d be a goner for sure in a zombie apocalypse but maybe I’d get along better than I thought. I’ve got that whole, functioning on no sleep thing going for me right now.

  4. Oh no.. what about the Speech Mom’s? I feel like we’d all just die… but there’d be lots of jazz hands. And dramatic pauses. =)

    • Julie Smith
      May 20, 2015

      OMG! I promise that the rest of us moms would have your back!

  5. This is great! I have a friend who’s a big fan of all things Zombie, so I’ll be sharing this one.

  6. almostsexymommy
    May 20, 2015

    Hahahaha… Well, I’m a Cheer Mom, Hockey Mom, Gymnastics Mom, and also, both of my kids compete in archery and target shooting, so… I think I’d do alright 😉

    • Julie Smith
      May 20, 2015

      You’re good to go! We should team up!

      • almostsexymommy
        May 20, 2015

        I’m cool with that. As long as I don’t have to bring the snacks!

  7. Shann Eva
    May 20, 2015

    That’s pretty funny! I’ve never seen the Walking Dead…I’ve got too many other guilty pleasures. I do like Dance Moms, though, so that’s my favorite one.

  8. Tricia Leigh Artim
    May 24, 2015

    This is great!! Moms totally kick butt, but I never thought about what would happen in the zombie apocalypse! lol Great post!

  9. caitlincheevers
    May 25, 2015

    I LOVE this. So so funny. My mom would totally kick butt during the zombie apocalypse.
    xo, Caitlin
    And Possibly Dinosaurs

  10. momonthemove35
    June 2, 2015

    Quite creative post! i’m not a Zombie watcher but this was a fun read!

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