Books, Resolutions and Other Nonsense

Since late December, I have noticed a couple trends in blogging. Actually, you can see these same trends during the last few weeks of December through January every year.

• First, New Year Resolutions – Seriously? As though anyone outside of your immediate family and/or circle of friends actually cares what you resolve to do or not to do over the next 12 months. Get over yourself!

And worse …

• Book lists – Either books they (supposedly) read last year or plan/hope to read over the next year. I think the latter should be required to write an honest follow-up piece on December 31 – with a detailed synopsis of each and every book listed. Like the ones we English majors had to write in college. And a panel of at least five readers should grade them.

Ok, honestly, there’s really nothing wrong with the book lists. In fact, as a writer, I actually encourage reading. I also take delight when my kids bring me their tablets and ask for books instead of games. But I just can’t wrap my brain around why anyone would be interested in what I am reading. Ok, I honestly worry that I’d be judged if people saw what I really read:

I’m reading this one right now. Don’t judge. It’s flippin’ hilarious. Mindy Kahling may not be the next Shakespeare or even Danielle Steel, but she was a bonafide WRITER before she became famous and wrote this book, so it’s a legit book by a legit author, dammit! One of her alternative titles was, “When Your Boyfriend Fits into Your Jeans and Other Atrocities.” See — funny stuff!

I don’t like to brag, but I am one of those people who can juggle more than one piece of prose at the same time. I’m also reading this to my six-year-old son (while my 10- and 12-year-old daughters pretend to not be listening in the next room – I am sooooo on to their tricky ways). Did I mention that we’re reading my original copy from the 1980s that I didn’t actually read myself back then? I read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory like 100 times but the sequel was a mess in my gifted third-grade opinion.

I couldn’t remember why I never got past the first few chapters of the Elevator book until I started reading it to Travis – It’s not just Stupid, it’s STOOPID! Those “vermicious Knids” will haunt me forever now. In my humble, but (once again) gifted, third grade opinion, it spat in the face of the Chocolate Factory, for sure!

Hang on and Shut the Front Door!!! Did anyone else get the symbolism of the Knids being in their own elevators? Maybe this book has more to it than I initially thought ……

Oh, crap! This is too much! Shake it off, Julie. Shake it off!

Anyway, here’s what I resolve – because everyone who never met me must want to know, right?

I will re-read this book. Actually, I never really read this book, I listened to the audio version of Marcia – ahem, Maureen – herself on a road trip. I needed mindless chatter from an adult while I drove my three kids 700+ miles a few years ago. It delivered! I want to “re-read” it to try and figure out how someone who claims to have been so stoned for so long can remember events from 40 years ago in such vivid detail. Seriously! I can’t remember what outfit I wore yesterday and all I do is drink wine. How can she remember what she wore that long ago while being so coked up for so long? Sorry Marcia – Maureen, whatever! – It just doesn’t add up.

Sorry, Marcia, Maureen – Whatever! Have some wine and dance and sing about Sunshine Days!

I also resolve to NEVER read ……………

Stick to singing, Jenny! Just say J-NO!

I fell asleep just looking at the cover.

Nor will I ever let my children near this book!

What do you think you will/will not read? Maybe I need some better suggestions? Maybe that’s my problem.

I admit, I probably will re-read this entire series.

Don’t pretend like YOU don’t/won’t do the same!
But, that’s a whole ‘nother blog post ……………….